Motherhood Is Wild and Whoever Sugar-Coated It Owes Us an Apology
Motherhood Is Wild and Whoever Sugar-Coated It Owes Us an Apology
Motherhood is often sold as this soft, glowing experience where you sip tea, cradle a sleeping baby, and somehow look vaguely ethereal while doing it.
This is false advertising.
Motherhood is wild. Unhinged. A beautiful chaos that somehow involves bodily fluids, sleep deprivation, and googling things you swore you’d never need to know. And whoever sugar-coated it for us — books, movies, Instagram influencers with white couches — honestly owes us an apology. Or at least a refund.
Your Standards Quietly Die
Before kids, you had opinions.
After kids, you have survival strategies.
You will:
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consider a shower a personal achievement
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feel proud when everyone leaves the house wearing shoes (not matching, just present)
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put something in the fridge that absolutely does not belong there because your brain has clocked out
You will one day think, “I’ll just rest my eyes for a second,” and wake up on the couch at 6am fully dressed, lights on, holding a snack.
You Negotiate With Terrorists
You will find yourself saying sentences like:
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“Please don’t lick the floor.”
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“If you eat three more bites, you can scream afterwards.”
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“We do not put toast in the DVD player.”
You will negotiate bedtime like it’s an international peace treaty — only to have it collapse anyway.
Your Body Is No Longer Yours
Your personal space is gone.
Completely. Permanently.
Someone is:
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touching you
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climbing you
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breathing on you
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or calling your name from another room for absolutely no reason
You will miss silence in a way that feels spiritual.
You Become Weirdly Comfortable With Gross Things
At some point you stop reacting to:
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vomit
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bodily fluids
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mysterious sticky substances
You’ll clean something with one hand while eating with the other and not even flinch. This is not who you were. But here you are.
Your Brain Is Full of Useless Yet Critical Information
You can no longer remember:
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why you walked into a room
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where your phone is (it’s in your hand)
But you can remember:
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exactly how many hours of sleep everyone got
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which cup belongs to which child
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the precise cry that means something is wrong
Your brain is now a chaotic filing cabinet with no labels, but somehow it works.
You Will Laugh at Things That Aren’t Funny
You’ll laugh because:
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if you don’t, you’ll cry
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the situation is so absurd it’s actually impressive
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someone just had a meltdown over a banana breaking in half
You’ll lock eyes with another mum in public during a chaos moment and share a silent look that says, “Yep. This is happening.”
You Talk to Yourself Constantly
Not quietly. Out loud. In full sentences.
You’ll narrate your life like a low-budget documentary:
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“Okay, we’re just going to put the keys down.”
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“Why did I come in here?”
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“Nope. Absolutely not.”
Sometimes it’s for the kids.
Sometimes it’s because your brain has outsourced all internal thoughts to verbal processing.
You Apologise to Inanimate Objects
You’ll say:
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“Sorry!” to the couch
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“Excuse me” to a doorframe
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“It’s okay” to a dropped snack
This is because you spend your entire life calming small humans and now everything feels like it might need reassurance.
You Hide to Eat
You will eat snacks in places you never imagined:
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the pantry
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the laundry
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the bathroom
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your car
You will make intense eye contact with the door while chewing, like a raccoon protecting its food.
You’ve Said “Don’t Touch Me” and Felt Guilty Immediately
You love your children deeply.
You also cannot handle one more person touching your skin.
So you say:
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“Please don’t touch me right now.”
Then instantly think:
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Wow. Am I okay? Am I a monster?
You are not. You are overstimulated.
You Measure Time in Weird Units
Time is no longer:
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minutes
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hours
It is now:
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nap cycles
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snack intervals
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episodes of Bluey
“Five minutes” means absolutely nothing.
You’ve Cried Over Something Ridiculously Small
Examples include:
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spilling your coffee
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someone asking “What’s for dinner?”
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realising you’ve already reheated the same tea three times
Not because of the thing — but because everything else finally piled up.
You Know Too Much About Bodily Functions
You can identify:
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types of cries
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types of poos
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types of coughs
You never wanted this knowledge. It simply arrived and now lives rent-free in your brain.
You’ve Been Needed So Much You Forgot What You Needed
You’ll ask everyone else:
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“Are you hungry?”
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“Are you tired?”
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“Do you need the toilet?”
And then realise at 4pm:
You haven’t eaten.
You haven’t sat down.
You haven’t had a thought that wasn’t interrupted.
You’ll Say “This Is Fine” When It Is Absolutely Not
There will be moments where:
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someone is crying
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something is broken
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you’re late
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and dinner is questionable
And you’ll think:
This is fine.
Because somehow, you’ve learned how to function inside chaos.
Motherhood isn’t just wild — it’s absurd in ways you could never explain to someone without kids.
It rewires your brain.
Lowers your standards.
Raises your tolerance.
And somehow makes you stronger while also running you into the ground.
So yes.
Whoever sugar-coated it absolutely owes us an apology.
But also — welcome to the chaos.
You’re not alone in it.
Linda - Hush Little Babe
