How to Support Someone Struggling to Conceive (Without Saying the Wrong Thing)

Infertility isn’t just a medical journey—it’s an emotional rollercoaster, a private grief, and a test of relationships. And yet, most people don’t know how to show up for those struggling to conceive. In fact, many of the things well-meaning friends and family say can hurt more than help.

Here’s the truth: when someone is trying to conceive, they are navigating hope, disappointment, and grief simultaneously. Every pregnancy announcement, every casual remark about babies, and even the simplest question—“So, when are you having kids?”—can feel like a knife to the heart.

Stop Minimising Their Pain

Infertility grief is real. It’s not “less than” other grief because there’s no body to bury or no visible proof of loss. Comments like:

• “At least you can try again.”

• “It wasn’t meant to be.”

• “You’ll get pregnant when the time is right.”

…don’t console. They invalidate. They turn complex feelings into a simplified platitude, as if grief should be optional or temporary.

Instead, acknowledge their pain. A simple, “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you,” is infinitely more supportive than trying to fix or explain it away.

Be Careful With Your “Advice”

Well-meaning suggestions can be more harmful than helpful. Fertility journeys are deeply personal, and unsolicited advice can feel intrusive or judgmental:

• “Have you tried this diet?”

• “Did you see that new supplement on Instagram?”

• “Have you tried acupuncture?”

• “Did you track your ovulation properly?”

• “Maybe it’s stress—are you too anxious?”

Understand That Triggers Are Everywhere

Infertility can make everyday life a minefield of triggers:

• Friends’ pregnancy announcements

• Social media posts of babies and toddlers

• Family gatherings with young children

Be conscious of this. You don’t have to shield them completely from joy, but offering empathy, patience, and awareness goes a long way. Even acknowledging the difficulty—“I know seeing this might be hard”—can make them feel seen.

Avoid Comparisons

No two fertility journeys are the same. Avoid comparisons like:

• “Well, it took me X months.”

• “I had friends who struggled for years and then…”

Comparing experiences can make someone feel like their pain is invalid, or that they’re doing something wrong.

Infertility isn’t a competition. Every story is unique, and every struggle is real.

Ask Before You Offer Support

Sometimes, the best support comes simply from asking:

• “Would you like to talk about it?”

• “Do you want me to come to appointments or just be there for you?”

• “Would you like distraction or space?”

Giving choice is powerful. It allows them to maintain control in a situation where so much feels out of control.

Recognize the Unspoken Loneliness

Infertility is isolating.

People don’t always talk about it because society minimises it. Friends may stop asking, family may avoid the topic, and strangers offer platitudes instead of empathy.

Recognizing that loneliness and offering a consistent, judgment-free presence can be lifesaving.

Celebrate the Small Wins

Not every victory is a pregnancy.

Small milestones—finishing a treatment cycle, attending an appointment, or even just surviving a particularly hard week—deserve recognition.

Celebrating these shows your awareness and support for the emotional journey, not just the end goal.

Avoid “At Leasts”

One of the most painful things someone struggling to conceive can hear is “at least…”

• “At least you can try again.”

• “At least you already have a child.”

• “At least it happened early.”

• “At least you know now.”

• “At least you have options.”

Grief from infertility isn’t a numbers game, and it isn’t a situation where someone can flip it into gratitude.

Those “at least” statements minimise real pain and make the person feel like their grief is optional.

Be Patient With Their Anger and Sadness

They may lash out, withdraw, or cry unexpectedly.

These reactions aren’t personal—they’re manifestations of deep hurt and frustration.

Patience, understanding, and non-judgmental presence are far more valuable than platitudes or attempts to cheer them up.

Just Listen

At the end of the day, the most important thing you can do is listen.

Be present without judgment. Offer your heart without conditions.

Infertility is complicated, lonely, and painful—but the knowledge that someone truly hears and validates their experience is more healing than any advice or suggestion.

Linda ❤️