Naptime. The mythical pause button every parent dreams of
Naptime: The mythical pause button every parent dreams of
The holy grail where you imagine peace, coffee, and a functioning brain.
And yet… somehow, it never works.
Step 1: The Delusion Phase
You gently put your child down.
You whisper:
“Sleep, my angel, sleep.”
For exactly 4.2 seconds, all seems fine.
Then:
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A cough that could summon demons
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A muttered “nooooo” like they just realised the universe is cruel
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An uncanny silence that makes you suspicious… something evil is brewing
You sit back, smug.
You are wrong.
Step 2: The Toddler Olympics
Toddlers are Olympic-level contortionists.
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They roll from one side of the cot to the other like tiny feral snakes
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They kick, flail, and throw limbs with precision
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They grab your hair, your glasses, or your phone mid-curl
You think: Maybe I should just get a GoPro and sell this footage to Netflix as horror.
Example: One toddler I know once used their arm to knock a sippy cup onto their head while asleep—and then cried about it. While asleep.
Step 3: Baby Alarm Clock
Babies are less subtle. They have a built-in radar for parental relief.
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You sit down with your first sip of coffee: cue screaming
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You start a five-minute stretch: spit-up explosion
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You exhale with relief: full-body flail, kicks in every direction, and the top-of-head-to-floor dramatic sigh
You realise that for them, peace is a myth. For you, it’s a cruel joke.
Step 4: The Toddler Conspiracy
Toddlers do something sinister: they know exactly how long you think you have.
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Minute 1 of quiet: you check Instagram.
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Minute 5: silence gets suspicious.
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Minute 10: small cry.
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Minute 12: complete meltdown because “the blanket is wrong” or “I changed my mind about needing sleep.”
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Minute 15: they’ve escaped the crib like a tiny ninja assassin.
And don’t forget when they:
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Get out of the cot and pour water on the floor
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Pull every stuffed animal down on top of themselves for “extra comfort”
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Hide your phone in a sock, just to remind you who’s really in charge
You thought you were in control. Ha. Ha.
Ha.
Step 5: Your Illusion of Free Time
If, by some miracle, they actually sleep:
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You pour coffee… then it spills immediately
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You scroll your phone… then realise your child’s drawing is a wall mural now
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You lie down… only to hear a suspicious creak, scream, or cough from your child
You are psychologically trained to panic at silence. It’s built-in. You can’t help it.
Step 6: Naptime Ends… Of Course
Of course, they wake.
They wake screaming.
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One wants water
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One wants snacks
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One wants to fight about why their dinosaur toy is red instead of blue
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And one is convinced their stuffed bunny is plotting against them
Your coffee is cold.
Your soul is colder.
Bonus: your child will often wake up looking so refreshed and smug, like they just spent 45 minutes meditating while you died a little inside.
Funniest Real-Life Naptime Moments:
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Baby fell asleep standing up, leaning on the kitchen counter, and toppled forward 30 seconds later
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Toddler wrapped themselves in blankets, fell down stairs, then demanded a snack immediately after
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One parent’s child quietly removed all the socks from the house while napping… just to assert dominance
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The infamous “crying in slow motion” moment: toddler starts a tiny whimper, gradually escalates to a full opera while you silently panic
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Baby actually fell asleep in mid-sneeze, woke up 5 seconds later, and screamed because sleep is for losers
The Ugly Truth About Naptime
Naptime isn’t about the child. It’s about the parent’s fleeting illusion of control.
You will never relax fully.
You will never drink hot coffee.
You will never feel like a functional human.
And yet… tomorrow, you’ll do it all over again.
Because hope is cruel.
And love is relentless.
And also… let’s be real… you need that 20-minute break.
Naptime: the cruelest, most hilarious trick the universe plays on parents. 💤😂
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