Playdates: The Social Nightmare Nobody Warned You About
Playdates: The Social Nightmare Nobody Warned You About
Playdates are advertised as:
“Fun, social time for your child and a chance for parents to chat!”
LIES. LIES. LIES.
In reality, a playdate is an hour-long exercise in humiliation, bribery, and stealth parenting.
Step 1: The Invitation (Panic Begins)
A parent calls:
“Can we have a playdate tomorrow?”
You panic.
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The house isn’t clean
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You have no snacks
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Your child is already a ticking time bomb
You agree anyway because you are weak.
Also, the fear of being judged is real.
Step 2: Preparing for Battle
You attempt:
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Snacks that are healthy but look fun
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Toys that are clean and functional
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A “fun activity” you found on Pinterest
Within 10 minutes of arrival:
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Someone is crying over a toy
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Someone is eating glue
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Someone is screaming because the snack plate is the wrong color
You realise Pinterest lied. Again.
Step 3: The Toys Wars
Your child grabs a toy. Another child grabs it back.
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They scream
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You intervene
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The other parent intervenes
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You start negotiating like UN peacekeepers
Meanwhile, the dog barks.
The cat hides.
Your sanity exits stage left.
Step 4: The Snack Negotiation
You offer fruit and crackers.
They throw crackers on the floor.
They demand cookies.
They throw fruit at each other.
Someone eats someone else’s snack and smiles like it’s a personal victory.
You silently vow to never host again.
You lie.
Step 5: Arts and Crafts of Doom
You bring out crayons and stickers.
Your child draws on another child.
Another child eats the crayon.
Glue ends up in someone’s hair.
Someone cries because their sticker isn’t shiny enough.
You consider packing up and running away.
You don’t.
Step 6: The Goodbye Trauma
Time to leave.
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The children scream because “I don’t want to go!”
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One hides under the sofa
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One throws a toy at your head
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Someone cries in the car for 20 minutes about the injustice of leaving
You leave. You drive away. You are both victorious and traumatized.
The Aftermath
You collapse on the couch.
The house is trashed.
You have glitter in your bra.
You find a crayon in the fridge.
Your child sleeps immediately.
You stare at the ceiling, wondering how anyone survives parenthood without therapy.
The Real Truth About Playdates
Here’s the part no one tells you: playdates aren’t really for your child.
They’re a test. A test of your patience, your ability to negotiate like a UN diplomat, and your talent for hiding snacks from tiny kleptomaniacs.
Yes, your child might make a friend—or ruin a friendship in 45 seconds.
Yes, the house might look like a glitter bomb exploded.
Yes, you’ll have crayons in your bra and fruit on your ceiling.
And yet… somehow, you’ll do it again.
Because somewhere in the chaos, your child is learning to share.
And somewhere in the chaos, you get to sit for 30 seconds with a cup of coffee that hasn’t been touched by anyone else.
Playdates: brutal, exhausting, ridiculous… and oddly addictive.
